I went to go swim laps in the pool today but it was closed because some one threw up in it. Thats a buzz kill, I was all hyped to do some swimming and than bam, it was taken away from me. I’m not the strongest swimmer though. If you attacked me and then fled to the water you would probably be safe. I guess I should practice the skill a bit, seeing the world is 2/3 covered with the wet beast.
Then I would no longer have to live in fear of water bandits.

JU

They say if you hold your ear to a conk shell you can hear the ocean. Well if you hold your ear to my belly button you will hear ” hey what are you doing listening to my belly button you freak” . Then I will leave.

I don’t really drink any more, it sucks. All of my friends still drink, so eventually you realize how stupid every one is while they’re inebriated. When people find out you don’t drink you’ve automatically become the DD. Driving people home trying to convince them that its not really polite to flip every one else off at the stop light.

I end up sitting in a bar fascinated by the poor lighting and how it smells like stale beer. I wont dance of course because I’m missing that thing that alcohol use to bring, that false confidence sponsored by dollar draft night. All I’m trying to say people is that if you drink don’t quit. Life will loose all its color, and you get this misguided feeling of superiority until you remember that one time you peed in a movie theater.

JU

I always say boredom is the sickness of a simple mind. Well in that case sign off on my GED cause I am bored. It happens on occasion even to the best of us. There is nothing I fear more than boredom… even more than sharks.

If there was some kind of super shark that could make me bored, wait there was it was in that movie Deep Blue Sea. Sam Jackson was in it, that mother f**kin shark ate him .

Top 5 things to do when your bored:

5. Take up knitting: Than you can hang out with your Grandma and talk about menopause.

4. Write a letter to Ryan Seacrest: Include the words Douche, Annoying and Fake Tan into every sentence.

3. Take random expired medication: See if you can develop breasts. Because every one likes boobs. If you have your own, you may never be bored again.

2. Learn French: Than you can act snobby and get away with it.

1. Go to a Karaoke bar: Sing Nickel Back songs. Than go home and use gasoline to wash the dirty feeling off yourself.

JU

I’m freezing, when the hell is this global warming crap suppose to kick in. I’m in western Canada right now near the mountains, that will explain the chilliness. Cold climate is good though it kills any thing that might want to eat you, like poisonous bugs or dangerous hitch hikers.

JU

I started going to this gym, and I have no problem with it but during the day they have classes for mentally disabled people. Some of them with super human strength. One guy was starring at me and I thought he wanted my machine so I offered it to him, and he just kept staring. As if to say, I know I’m handicapped and I’ve been granted the gift of staring with the abilities to get away with it. Frankly at first it kind of freaked me out, than later I realized it was kind of neat. I wish I had those powers.

I’m trying to get back into shape after my accident, it is a slow start. I lost about 25lbs, so I look like an anorexic pencil. It will all work out in the end though, if it doesn’t I’m going to start taking cat steroids.

JU

click this link to donate to children with disabilities

I think my favorite food is Pad Thai. It’s delicious. I would venture to Thailand, apparently you can buy it on the street from vendors there just like hot dogs here in North America. That amazes me, you can apparently get prostitutes the same way. I’m not into that though, especially when there is perfectly good Pad Thai to occupy my time.

I like to smell things, I don’t know why. It is perhaps a bad habit. I feel my sense of smell is perhaps twice as good as any regular human. If I could only find some way to use it to help man kind. But with great power comes great responsibility and I feel I misuse my powers. I can smell your hand and determine what you did that day, like some kind of palm reader who can only look into the past. Sure you may say it’s some kind of weird parlor trick, but you’d only be fooling yourself.

Have you ever…… now hear me out on this one, farted in your car and came back an hour later and it still stunk. I’m not saying it’s happened to me before, but I’m also not going to say it hasn’t.

What a day , I was up until around 5 in the morning. I had some caffeine late last night and could not sleep. I also watched a vampire movie earlier on and that wasn’t helping my shut my eyes either.

Top 5 mustaches in history:

5. Burt Reynolds: Cannon ball run and various other movies very similar to Cannon Ball run. He was a legacy in his day, and his flashy stache is a glories spectacle.

4. Joseph Stalin: What a booger catcher that guy had. A little bit of a nut ball, but than again do you know any one with a giant lip warmer that isn’t a little off.

3. Rossie O’Donnell: wow she’s aggressive, she’s angry, she’s every thing a good mustache stands for.

2. Hulk Hogan: Leader of the Hulkimaniacs , and his yellowy lower case N style is a favorite amongst scratchy face people every where.

1. Charlie Chaplin: He had the coolest mustache of them all until Adolf stole the look and put it on the face of evil. This low maintenance design was the future of facial hair, now is the mask of douche bags.

JU

I went to the movies today and and seen that movie 30 days of Night. It was ok, the vampires would bite people than the victims would develop a horrible accent.

I wonder if a vampire happened to bite a monkey, if it would turn into a vampire monkey. Or maybe monkeys started vampirism (not a real word), like they did with AIDS. These are questions that I don’t have the answers for. But there is one thing we can all agree on and that is being a Vampire is not a good enough excuse for developing a bad accent. You don’t want to become a fool like Madonna was in the early 90s when she put on that British lisp. In her defense though, she may have caught some vampire monkey aids.

JU

Also known as a stagette. It was an ok show, me in front of a room full of women. They always have penis shaped things at stagette’s. Penis cups, necklaces, hats they draw dicks on each others shirts. You never go to a stag and see a man drinking out of a vagina shaped glass, it would just be silly… and it would look like a tiny canoe.

I’ve done lots of shows at comedy clubs where there was bride party going on but never a specific party just for them. It was in a small town where every one had big boobs, and apparently the groom had some he boobs too, a set of “C” cup chesticles.

It was a good show though, the brides mom wouldn’t shut up. Apparently she was really drunk. In contrast the bride was very quite, she would barely answers questions. You can’t happen to think that maybe after 20 years of marriage she will be a chatty Cathy like her mom.  LOL I said chatty Cathy.

I use myspace quite a bit. They have deleted me twice before just randomly and I got it back. I get emails off my website saying “what happened?”. Well Tom screwed up thats what happened, it had nothing to do with the pics of me in a speedo juggling porno magazines and smoking crack.
These free net working sites like myspace and facebook, seem to run into problems. They are free, but I would like to see the reliability of them increased. Maybe I’m asking for to much. Facebook use to be worse , some times I couldn’t log in for a day or so. Myspace seems to always have some thing fishy going on but your usually able to check your mail at least, thank god or I wouldn’t be able to read all the comments those cam girls leave. Hm do you think they really like me or just after my credit card number.
JU