I had to drive into the middle of nowhere to do a gig in a ski resort town. It was actually pretty awesome and I enjoyed the show. The drive was crazy though, we had to stop a few times because there were mountain sheep on the road. They just sit there and eat the salt, so I yelled at one to get off the road and he looked at me and I know he was thinking “I don’t speak human”. So I felt like an ass and rolled my window up.

In the case of sheep from natures past, I often wonder where they ate salt. They may have just gone with out any seasoning at all. It would be amazing if a truck full of BBQ sauce spilled on the road and they all got hooked on that. I think thats why they are always licking the road, they are just sick of bland old grass, somebody needs to get them some condiments.

JU

Wow is it cold out where I’m at (Alberta, Canada). I don’t know who originally settled these cold areas. They must have come in summer and built a nice house. Then when winter came they were like “crap, we have a nice house we’ll have to tough it out”.

JU

I went to see that movie Hit Man today. It wasn’t all that good, I like going to see movies that are based on a book or in this case a video game. They usually suck and there is always some body complaining “It wasn’t the same”. Of course it’s not going to be the same, he’s not going to die half way through the movie and make us start over because we didn’t get to the check point.

*I’ve been getting lots of emails about my Theater show in Edmonton. It went very well and thanks to all the people who came out and messaged me about it. It looks like I’ll be coming back in May or June of 2008, with a new bigger venue.

I did a show for some old people, the crowd must have been like 75 plus. They were having fun, and at one point I got flashed. I had to tell Ole Earl to put his shirt back on. I think one of them passed away during the show, they put a blanket over him and told me to keep going “thats what he would have wanted”. Then later on I found out he had actually passed away a few days prior and they were partying with him weekend at Bernie’s style.

JU

I did a radio spot this morning to plug my upcoming show in Edmonton Canada. It was fun, usually at least 50% of the time doing radio sucks. But this was all good. A lot of comics hate getting up so early, as you have to be at a station usually by 6am to catch the morning commuters. I am one of those comics. Being a comedian is like working the grave yard shift at a factory your up late and your usually surrounded by finger missing nincompoops.

They have a coffee franchise in Canada called Tim Hortons, they are on every other street corner and you know your up to early when they are not open. The radio station is in West Edmonton Mall which is the biggest mall in the world. It was like a ghost town at that hour except for the odd senior citizen, they treat that place like a giant tread mill for walker-sizing.

JU
-I’m Canadian by the way, so save the Eh jokes.

I was at a comedy club and they have this area in the back where they want comics to sit. It smelled like feces, and I don’t know if this happens to anybody else but some times when some thing stinks I do a double check to make sure it’s not me. Because you never know if you stepped in some things or your last fart had a little surprise. I can’t be the only one.

It turned out it wasn’t me because I quickly hid and did the smell over myself check. Although they say any press is good press I don’t want to be known as the poor hygiene comedian, there’s already a few of those.

JU

-known for his fresh scent… it’s like springtime.

JU

I like pizza, I had some for dinner tonight. I use to deliver it, and the people that I worked for were always grumpy. You have to make pizza with love, it is a happy food. You never see anybody eating a pizza pie and there grumpy. This could be one of the reason there pizza kind of sucked.

Top 5 happy foods:

5: Melons – The name is also used as slang for boobs. So it’s twice the happy.

4: Peanut butter- (A happy food with a sad story) It was a delicious and a fan favorite. Then for some reason kids started to become allergic to it. Now it’s banned every where, I remember when my school went peanut free. Sad day.

3: Burritos- They are great. It’s like a present wrapped in a tortilla. Inside this gift is a medley of awesome.

2: Pad Thai- It’s my favorite food. Enjoy it with chicken, beef , or shrimp. The Pad Thai diversifies and adapts just like any happy food should.

1: Donuts- They are not good for you but who cares. Anything that is made into a circle and has a hole in the middle must be designed for me to jab with my finger and throw down my food hole.

What is your happy food?

JU

The busy season is kicking in. My calender is filing up like the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a heroine buffet. I enjoy what I do and the busier it gets the more excited and happy I am about it.

This has been the first time in my life that I have been on tour doing comedy and not drinking. I would never say I had a problem, it just filled up a lot of my time. Now that I actually have more hours to devout to my career I feel my work load and creativity  have increased. Comedy is one of the only jobs where your allowed to drink and nobody says much. Other jobs in this bracket are being a pilot for NASA or if you do what ever Paris Hilton does.

It’s weird when alcohol is not part of your social atmosphere. For years when I hung out with people that is what we would indulge in. So it is a big transition to this new life.

What I’m trying to say is if you drink don’t quit. If your good at being intoxicated just stick to what your good at. Thats kind of a bad message but I’m a comedian it’s probably not a good idea to take your life advice from me.

People are going to do what ever they want, and me saying how my life has changed won’t steer any one onto a path of prohibition. I got no problem with booze, and people who want to have a good time. Its just not for me any more.

I get a lot of random emails, its nice some times. I like talking to randoms. It can get out of hand, occasionally I get an email from somebody who wants sex. If your a hot chick no problem, but some times I just get an email from some dude that says “I want in your ass”. They don’t even say hello, what happened to the days of romance.

I’m doing a show at a casino tonight , I’m just sitting here in the hotel room trying to keep myself entertained. There can be a lot of down time as a comedian, you have to find ways to keep yourself busy. Some people take up hobbies like knitting, or alcohol and heroine.

JU

I was walking down an isolated hallway, and there was a gentlemen about 30 feet in front of me. He must not have heard me behind him because he let a big pant ripping fart go. I ended up walking right into it, there was no where else to go.

I think the worst place to have some one fart would be right ahead of you on a rope ladder. You have to maintain your balance on a rope ladder and you need your concentration, the last thing you would want is some dookie wind coming at you.

Just a thought, it would also suck if the ladder was dangling above a shark tank and the sharks were mad because they were all born on the same day and it was that day and nobody had given them a gift. Not even a card. But they had no idea there was a surprise party planned for them, and you could tell them this but you are to intoxicated by the stinky fart and you are trying to maintain your balance on a shaky ladder, also you wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.

JU