It’s the season for returning gifts, now we can take off those fake smiles and prepare to bring back the stuff we didn’t like. This year I received mostly hygiene related presents, are people trying to tell me some thing.

I’ve been drinking lots of tea lately; they say that’s the first step to becoming an old woman. If I start crocheting somebody stop me, unless you need a doily then perhaps wait a week.

JU

Top 5 worst Christmas gifts:

5. A Yamacha ( the little hat that Jewish people wear):
It just wouldn’t really make sense. If you feel the need to get your Jewish friend something, get them a ham.

4. Christmas card of yourself:
Especially if in the card you are petting a cat… wearing a Christmas sweater… especially if the cat is wearing the sweater…

3. Tiger penis:
It may be an aphrodisiac but its also illegal. And now there is some Tiger waking up in a bathtub filled with ice wondering where his penis went.

2. Tiger print underwear:
Christmas is the time when most people replenish there supply of socks and underwear. But it’s so hard to match tiger print with anything. And now there is some Tiger waking up in a bathtub filled with ice wondering where his underwear went.

1. Samuel L Jackson:
The actor Samuel L Jackson is not an appropriate gift. He will swear during dinner “Pass the Mother F$%^ Turkey”.

JU

Samuel L Jackson

“The L stands for Little Drummer Boy…. now pass me some Mother f$%^ turkey”

People get grumpy around Christmas time, especially in the mall. I hate getting stuck behind a slow person, its even worse when 2 slow people are holding hands creating some kind of slow ass barricade. People should be equipped with some kind of rear view mirror so they can see my long legged body tail gaiting them. Either that or I should attach a bicycle horn to my middle finger.

I guess there are worse things than slow walking people… like Nazis. Yeah Nazis were worse, but at least when they walked they did that high kick thing. This holiday of Christmas has morphed into some kind of consumer hostage taking. The whole holiday should be just a get together with the family and share some time while eating the body of a dead turkey. Now I feel like you have to buy people stuff and hope that they buy you some thing in return that you actually wanted or that at least doesn’t completely suck.

JU

I’ve been going to starbucks lately, I don’t know if that makes me a bad person or just a weak one. There Soy Vanilla Lattes have been rated delicious by my belly. The coffee servers always try and be hip, they ask me things like “what’s hanging” or “how’s it going dog”.

God bless there caffeinated little hearts, they all seem to enjoy there job and that’s good enough for me. I’m always extra polite to people who are preparing some thing I have to consume as I don’t want them to take revenge via a pube or something else disgusting. I think that is all that keeps some people in check at an eatery, the fear of there food becoming contaminated by some one else’s bodily throw away.

I found an eyelash in my food once; I just made a wish and blew it off. The owner of the eyelash deserved to have the wish stolen if they were just going to disregard it so shamelessly.

-Guess what I wished for?

JU

I had my oil changed at Walmart today. I use them because they’re cheap and employ the elderly. I’ve seen people working there who would be taking a foolish risk by buying green bananas.

This Walmart was attached to a mall, so I wondered it while I waited. It must have been dysfunctional family day, its always interesting watching people discipline there kids. I don’t think there is a large gene pool where I’m at right now; it’s more of a gene puddle. They probably tried to write it into my contract where I had to impregnate one of the locals and finally put and end to the six toe baby crisis.

JU

I was checking into a hotel this afternoon and the lady was giving me lots of attitude. I think it’s funny when people hand out the bitch ticket and want you to stamp it. When you’re throwing out attitude at work its showing every one you can’t pretend to like your job any more. Because most people don’t like there job and if they do they just like it enough to not be looking for another one at that moment. They have found some where they can tolerate the levels of bull shit and not spit in the coffee maker.

Top 5 best jobs in the world:

5: Pirate- You can set your own hours, but you have to take an entry level position as a cabin boy… and we all know what that involves.

4: Jessica Alba’s underwear: Obvious reasons, let’s just hope you’re not pulled out on chili night.

3: Comedian- Hey that’s what I do. You travel lots so if you like that it’s wonder bar. Also you can start your own collection of tiny hotel shampoo bottles.

2: Check in Lady at the Northern Inn- You can be a bitch to comedians and when nobody’s looking steal all the welcome mints you can fit into your hate filled pockets.

1: The guy who puts the lid on Lip Balm: You live a life knowing of the good your doing by preventing the chapping of people lips. Unfortunately you have probably been replaced by a machine. A machine capable of knowing the good it’s doing by preventing the chapping of …

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com

I’ve been going to the gym for the last month and a half quite regularly. Pretty much every guy who goes to the gym for more than 2 weeks thinks he’s now buff. You can see them flexing in the mirror, they either think nobody can see them or they just don’t care. I want to just focus on one muscle like my right calf and only work on it. Then hang out near the mirrors and flex it that would be rad.

Top 5 funny things that happen in the gym:

5: Somebody farts while doing a sit up.

4: Tripping on the treadmill and shooting off the back… while farting.

3. Naked old guys talking to you in the change room, I don’t care how the weather is… tuck in your ball sack.

2. The grunter, I’m sure its possible to lift that with out making “cat in heat” noises.

1. The overzealous personal trainer, who farts while demonstrating a sit up.

JU

Wow I had a red bull earlier and a soy Latte about an hour ago now I feel all trendy. I can’t handle caffeine, I’m freaking out. I’m not very good at any thing in excess, even sun light I have to be careful with the dosage or I get all burned up.

Currently I’m in a mall, there is still Christmas presents I have to get. I might wait to the last minute and convert to Judaism. I will still be accepting gifts but when it’s time to give I’ll pull out the old Yarmulke (Jew hat) and tell them I don’t play that game, but thank you for the socks.

It’s funny when you go to small towns and they still have a lot of Jesus in Christmas. Most metropolitan societies have beaten the religion out of holidays, which is better for every one. Personally I like a well rounded holiday so when you tell me seasons greetings that is my excuse to stiff you come secret Santa time.

JU

I don’t think most people know how to drive. It seems that anyone who can push a gas peddle gets a drivers license. They should license other things when you drive as well like driving in icy conditions or honking your horn while giving some one the finger. Once you get enough points you’re allowed to swear at some one while waiting at a red light, but if you suck at driving you just have to take it. Then when you get flipped off you’ll think wow that person is a good driver.

JU

I’m in Cranbrook it’s my second day here. Last nights show went well, and afterwards the other comic and I went to Denny’s. I couldn’t decide between the Country Scramble or the ultimate omelet. The Scramble came with pancakes but I asked the waitress if I could exchange the toast on the omelet for pancakes free of any extra charges and she said “yeah”.

So I dined on my Ultimate omelet and then when the bill came they had tapped on a 3 buck substitution charge. The madness, if that is the kind of shit Denny’s is going to pull than I don’t want any part of them or there moons over my hammy. The manager wouldn’t take it off either, jerk face. I’m an IHOP man anyways.
JU