I’m in Hollywood right now, I had scheduled the next 8 weeks off for TV pilot season but with the writers strike in effect it’s a ghost town. So I’m thinking about taking up a hobby like swearing just to keep me busy.

This town is like fly paper for crazy people. But it’s the worst kind of nut balls, the kind with dreams. For instance you take a normal whack job they are perhaps mildly bothersome but now give that same whack job a dream and they’ll set the annoy laser to kill. I find it all amusing though, mostly because I have a warped sense of humor.

The making of Stick Man the Magnificent vs. The Nacho King is in full swing and that is keeping me more busy than swearing ever could. Who would have guessed that a shitty animated short would take so much time.  But this episode is jam packed with special effects and hot nacho action, so the effort should be well worth it.

JU

I played at a casino last night, I don’t know what it is about casinos but I always notice a lot of people don’t wash there hands in the bathroom. It’s almost like they stare at me and whisper to themselves while I’m at the sink, “What’s that weirdo doing, rubbing soap on his hands, ha”.

It makes me just want to wear gloves big enough for me to put my whole body into. Maybe most people don’t wash there hands any ways, I always do especially if it looks like there is a snitch on the inside who would tell every one if I pee and dash. That’s what we need is scare crow mannequins in the bathroom that have an audio track saying “I’m telling”, then we can trick people into lathering up their greasy mittens.

JU

I got an oil change and a haircut today; I’m a brand new man. That is about as exciting as things got, as I’m at my moms house deep in the mountains visiting her. It’s weird to see things from my childhood; I don’t think my mom throws any thing out. I was digging through a box and surprisingly enough found my umbilical cord, ok that didn’t happen.

They are starting to save umbilical cords now for various medical reasons. But I could think of some better non medical uses of this birth time throw away.

Top 5 uses of the umbilical cord

5: Connect your Nunchuks, finally you have an environmentally friendly option besides chain or rope.

4: An improvised lasso, in case your regular lasso is in the shop or not available.

3: A work out elastic band. You’ve seen these devices on infomercials or perhaps in the gym, well now you have your own and the resistance is set at least a fraction higher then your exact birth weight.

2: Sausage holder. Finally you have a sleek designed carrying case for your sausages, no more need to carry them in your pocket like loose change.

1: Emergency weather stripping on your car. Have you ever been on a long commute when you start to hear the wind come in through the crack between the door. Stuff the cord in that crack and problem solved, a temporary but effective fix.

What would you do with your umbilical cord?

JU

My mom is going to put my childhood dog to sleep. She is getting very old and is not doing so well. It is always an awkward time when a family pet get sentenced to death. It can be hard to make the final decision to end them as they have established a position in the family. It would be like sentencing your grandma to death because she uncontrollably poops on the floor and has gone blind.

I wonder if they have retirement homes for pets, where she could go get doggy dialysis or perhaps some contact lenses. Then she could play bingo and make sweaters like other old people, and when we went to visit her during the holidays or the occasional Sunday we would feel guilty. You decide what is more humane, because I have no idea.

JU

I’m on the last night of my 5 show Northern Tour. I played the Lido Theater yesterday and it was awesome. The show was sold out and the venue was amazing, it was in a weird little city known as Fort Saint John. People are pretty bush whacked up there and are amazed by any thing that is shiny or in my case being amplified by a sound system.
Nice people though, every one was really friendly and treated my opener and I really well. There was a snow fall so the commute to the final destination was a little slippery, like break dancing on a banana peel. I’m currently in a hotel room in Dawson Creek and it’s nothing like the popular television series. But I can honestly say I never really watched that show so perhaps then maybe it is, but did Katie Holmes have cold sores?

JU

I’m officially in the middle of no where. I passed the 0 mile on the Alaska highway about 50 miles ago. Things up here are different, I’ve learned to survive using only my Visa and keen sense of direction aided by my gps navigation system. I’m officially a mountain man, I do what I have to do to survive. If that means eating at Arbys, well than thats better than starving.

It’s amazing how even in the middle of no where they have all the franchises. It is kind of disgusting, that subway and McDonalds have broken ground on some of natures last strong hold.

Pretty soon they will paint logos on the side of wild animals. You’ll have to swerve to miss hitting a deer that has a Nike swish pasted on its side.

JU

Going to a 24 hour restaurant right as the bars are emptying is amazing. People put the drama on high as I watch withe great interest hiding behind my Moons Over My Hammy.

A combination of pancakes and alcohol make the volume of the conversations and the intensity splash out to the public like hot syrup running off a fat mans chin. The TV show taxi cab confessions looks foolish next to my idea for Denny’s confessions. The catch phrases like ”that chick totally wanted me” and “Do you know who I am” will be put on bumper stickers and embroidered on hats.

I’ll make millions I’m telling you….. millions, or at least get some free Denver Omelettes.

JU

Some times I feel like the whole world is crazy, but if most people on the planet were mad men then the sane would be the weirdos. All of these small cities and towns I go to are starting to look the same. Every place has the same franchise restaurants and gas stations and I’m starting miss the variety of the Mom and Pop shops. You didn’t have the security of these large chains, and you never new if they washed there hands or watered down the gasoline. It was that guessing game that made things exciting, and after all variety is the spice of the crazy life.

JU

Now is about the time where people start to forget their New Years resolution and the line up at McDonald’s gets longer again, except a few people are still asking for diet soda with there calorie combo. I often get asked if I make resolutions on the New Year and I never really have. I don’t need a date in the calendar to change my life, no sir that’s what crashing motorcycles and waking up in piles of vomit are for.

Most people I believe only stick to there resolutions for a few weeks, that’s why there is always new faces in the gym but they disappear faster than prom date panties. I think to make a change in your life people usually need an eye opening experience, and the dawn of a new year doesn’t pack enough oomph.

So what I’m trying to say is that if you want to make changes in your life take a lot of dangerous risks. Then if something catches up to you, you’ll have a little fuel to power that change and maybe you’ll appreciate life a little bit more. And that makes about as much sense as picking a day in the calendar.

JU

I had a weird experience at a show last night. There was an older lady in the front row and I claimed she had Betty Crocker hair, people laughed and then she pulled off her wig. She was as bald as an egg. It was awkward, but I moved on and the show actually turned out well.

JU