I enjoy eating at subway restaurant I probably go there at least once day as it is fast and good for you, it is also chopped full of vitamin delicious. I want to fight that Jared guy though, one on one no kung fu or weapons. He’s weak now from all his weight loss and I think I could take him. You need more than 6 grams of fat to put up a fight Jared, and I’ve dipped my fists in chocolate your only weakness.

He looks so stupid holding his old pants out in those posters, what is he trying to prove that he’s a pack rat. Throw those pants out, or are you planning on getting fat again “Big J”.

JU

There are a lot of bad drivers out there. If you driving while talking on your cell phone, you should be pulled out of the vehicle and teabagged. It’s called hands free calling, get a headset or speaker phone, douche bag.

Most humans have trouble enough driving with out distractions, throw in putting on makeup or shuffling through an I-pod and you’ve armed people with a door denting fender banging machine of oops.

5 Best responses to being cut off:

5: Give the thumbs up sign: It confuses the cutter and sends them into a rage from your awkward gesture.

4: Pick your nose and point the treasure: It ensures that they won’t get out and threaten violence because now you’re armed with a biological weapon.

3: Get out of your car with no pants on: Don’t wait for a light, just get out at a speed you feel comfortable running beside them at.

2: The Classic with a twist: Flip them the bird (the middle finger) but mouth the words I love you with a big smile.

1: Do nothing: Let the anger build up, and one day you will have an ulcer. When you go to get a check up from your doctor, coincidentally you discover the culprit. Switch his chart with that of some one getting a vasectomy. Then you’ve done your part in ending the breeding cycle of cutter offers, no more stupid children.

What do you do when you’re cut off?

JU

I had to do my laundry today, and then realized the only people who don’t have washing machines in the Los Angeles area are Mexican families and me. There will be 3 ladies in there and each will be using a dozen machines, how big is your family that it takes twelve washing machines to clean their knee high socks and wife beater t-shirts. They might have been throwing children in with the loads as a make shift bath, but I have no evidence of that.
JU

I was driving down Laurel Canyon and I seen a skirmish on the side of the road. I pulled over to watch and it was an old man fight. The best fights of them all, are when senior citizens attack. One guy was really old like in his 70s and the other looked to be in his 40s. The older one was all go and aggressive, and mr. 40s had his shirt off. Strange potatoes but people hoped in and didn’t let it go all Mortal Combat finishing move or anything.

I have this function on my website that tells me what words are used in search engines that find my site. Here are some of the phrases; I barely believe it myself….

• “stages of drunkeness comedian im ok”
• “comedian what is nachos”
• “grape fruit of wrath comedy”
• “beer nipples comedian”
• “smells like shit toronto comedian”
• “calgary shaw tv shiva”
• “comedy portland april 11″

and the most disturbing and confusing one of them all,

• “http//www with out dress rape scene videos com”

I’d actually prefer not to be associated with any website that condones with out dress rape scenes, what kind of sick animal would take the dress off… Thats horrible.

JU

Top 5 annoying things roommates do:

5: Large amounts of hair in the bathroom. It accumulates any place there is a drain or water. On cold mornings I warm my feet to the pile left in front of the toilet.

4: Coming in late from a night out and they expect you to be at the same party level as them. As they scream things like “wow did you see how hot that chick was”. No I wasn’t there.

3: A pile of dishes that would make a rat throw up. When you finally wash them you have flash backs to the hamburger helper from 10 days ago.

2: When they have a weird pet, like a bunny or head lice.

1: Dookie left in the toilet. Nothing like recognizing the hamburger helper from 10 days ago, that you left in the fridge and thankfully went missing yesterday.

JU

I was doing this show and it was next to this dance club for old people. Like I mean old people, I thought they were dancing but it was just their Parkinson’s keeping beat with the music, I called it the Michael J Fox trot.

It was awesome, they were past the cougar years more like saber tooth tigers with false teeth. Nice friendly people, one of them gave me a bran muffin but I think it was spiked with the date rape drug.
JU

I was on a treadmill and when I looked to my left I saw a man was carrying a monkey. They are shooting something at my gym and through power of assumptions I believe the monkey is in it. Unless the monkey is now working out at the Beverly Hills Health and Fitness, that would be awesome.

JU

I have to do laundry soon as I’m out of essentials and have started wearing napkins for underwear. Ok it’s not that bad but it is still an awesome temporary solution to an easily fixable problem.  It’s not like I don’t have the time to do it, I just don’t want to.

Top 5 things I like to put off:

5: Dance lessons: it’s time for me to learn how to get funky.

4: Feeding my parking meter: I probably get a couple of parking tickets a week they are going to tow my car some day. But first they will have to find it as every night I submerge it in a different lake.

3: Trimming my nose hair: I enjoy growing them out it looks like there are spider legs dangling out of the nostril.

2:  Cutting my toe nails: I keep them long that way if I’m ever locked in a dungeon, I could tear one off and use it to pick the lock.

1: Using my signal lights: I don’t like to signal the direction I’m going to turn, then at the last minute I make my move. Mostly to throw off the trail of any one who is following me and planning to put me in their dungeon.

J

What do you put off?

I did a show last night at a hostel and the regular host who is usually drunk and usually funny was exceptionally drunk and exceptionally not liked by the audience. I thought it was very interesting, as it was super bowl Sunday and most of the crowd was pretty close to the same stages of inebriation as him. Keith is the hosts name and we get along well so I started my set by mocking him, here are some examples.

Keith is so drunk Mel Gibson said “hey let me drive”

Keith is so drunk his blood alcohol level is Budweiser.

Keith is so drunk his tape worm blew over and was charged with a DUI

Keith is so drunk some frat boys made out with him in the alley

Keith is so drunk some Irish people said “hey maybe take it easy”

Now it’s your turn, make your own Keith is so drunk joke…..

JU

I got food poisoning from this Mexican place called El Coyote. I haven’t been that sick in a long time. I think if you get food poisoning from a place you should be allowed to kick who ever you want from there in the balls. That would be the ultimate deterrent to having a messy kitchen, the constant fear that the doors could slam open followed by a jump kick to the candied yams.
JU