In the beginning I kind of liked Bills wife but now she seems annoying. As a first lady she was all sassy and stuff and I kind of liked that then she rocked a little bit of cleavage a few months ago and that was cool, but now she won’t quit. It’s like that kid in track and field who entered the 5 mile run and had been lapped 3 times every one is waiting for her to give up so we can finish the day early and get some popsicles.

I just want TV to go back to normal, all this political stuff gets boring and takes up to much air time. We need more coverage on things that matter, like celebrity nipple slips.

JU

Make sure if you’re in Arizona to catch my show in Tempe next Thursday. It is has a Redhead (Mark Fry), A comic in a wheel chair (Steve “Short Bus” Krause) and man with pretty hands (James Uloth…. That’s me)

www.JamesTheComic.com for more details or call 1-815-621-6104

p.s. quit starring at my hands.

-Tempe April 3

-Vancouver April 23

-Edmonton May 3

People who get offended by what I say suck. Things that offend me are land mines, or child poverty. That is what bothers me and offends me because I speak mostly of reality, some of what I say or do is not politically correct but it does have basis in reality. Sure I talk about making out with fat chicks for example. People think saying some one is fat is awful, nope that is reality. There is nothing wrong with being fat, now being obese comes with some health problems but if you got some junk in the trunk or rocking some muffin top what’s the big deal.

I do jokes about sex; guess what I’m in my mid twenties that is the world I live in. I do jokes about gay marriage, what’s the big deal if they want to get married who does that effect. Almost every thing I talk about comes from personal experience, and if that offends you then pretty much you suck. Because you can see me live or read my blogs and watch my videos and when you’re done you’re still alive and maybe just maybe your eyes have been opened. If you’re still offended send fifty bucks to UNICEF it is a more noble battle.

Or maybe I’m just talking out of my ass, I’ve been wrong before.

JU

Unicef website , check it out LINK

I don’t know what it is but I noticed most people who are gaga over muscle cars are republican. I think that’s why the US is in Iraq to feed the need for speed. I’ve also noticed most girls who don’t shave their arm pits are democrats, so if they get into office we might see an influx of hippies and then invade any country that produces soy.

I’m Canadian so I don’t vote in the US which is a good thing, because it would be like giving a child the decision on what bully is going to beat them up at recess. Personally I would choose the bully who was most punctual, nothing like having to wait around for an ass whooping. Or perhaps I would go with the bully who would provide health care so I could seek treatment for the atomic wedgie.

JU

Tour Dates:
Tempe April 3
Vancouver April 23
Edmonton May 3
Calgary May 4-7

www.JamesThecomic.com

I don’t really drink any more but from what I’ve been told by several people is that green beer leads to green poop. I’m not a doctor obviously but I have seen the evidence. And the day after St.Paddy’s day is when you feel the true curse of the Irish, that’s right a hangover that makes you want to throw up corn beef and cabbage. I’m told one of the best hangover cures is the dollar cheese burgers from McDonalds, I know from experience that it has set me straight a few times.

I had a little tickle in my throat the yesterday, but I’m over it today. When I get sick I either almost die or I get over it really fast. My immune system was built up from the years I spent as a Paramedic prior to being a comedian and from my world travels. Also licking various handrails in multiple countries has given me super immunity strength, some people thought I was crazy but nope just planning for the future.

JU

Upcoming shows:

Tempe Arizona April 3 LINK
Vancouver BC April 23  LINK
Edmonton Alberta May 3 LINK

I was in Santa Barbra, there were lots of cute girls around in that college town but I must have seen at least 4 of them almost fall down because they couldn’t walk in heels. It was the land that douches built to train the next wave of douches. Every guy had that collared shirt on and was holding a Smirnoff ice or watermelon martini.

The bars had smoke machines and when the doors opened it would gust onto the street. Who wants a smoke machine in a bar, that’s exactly what I enjoy difficulty breathing. It was like I was in horror movie right before things went all crazy. And the worst death I could imagine would be getting killed to that house music, it would create some kind of misguided ghost that wears a headband and carries glow sticks.

JU

Traffic was really bad today, not to mention it was boiling hot. I don’t like other drivers normally but when its hot I think every one is an idiot. Driving for me would be the worst time to own a gun, I would use it to signal lane changes or as a horn honk.

I know I’m getting frustrated when a hot chick is crossing the street and instead of gawking I’m just thinking hurry up, the street isn’t that wide hot stuff. So Quit shaking that booty and hurry up.

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com

I seen the worst movie today “10 000 BC”, wow what a stinker. They had conveniently placed spears through out the movie so when ever the protagonist needed one it would just be laying right at his side ready to throw. I wish they had left a spear in the theater so I could toss it through the screen, or at least jam it in my eye.

5 horrible movies:

5. Eragon: Wow flamboyant people riding dragons. They should have cast Richard Simmons to be the dragon it would be less… never mind.

4. Battlefield Earth: John Travolta as an alien who teaches a human how to defeat aliens, and how to ride dragons. Ok no dragons, just unbelievable plot lines.

3. Cloverfield: gave me motion sickness. I waited the whole movie to see the alien eat the idiot holding the camera.

2. Be Cool: This was the sequel to an awesome movie Get Shorty. Sequels usually suck, but this was worse than Rock V.

1. You Tell me what you think is the most horrible movie and why?

JU

There is no lack of stupid people on the planet. Hence the mega success of shows likes “American Idol”, and “So You Think You Can Dance”. Singing and dancing are things your friends look stupid doing when they get drunk, is nothing sacred.  Of course this comes from an envious bastard who can’t dance nor sing, also not that good at drinking.

I have a better idea for a reality show, something I’m good at. That’s right making fun of people,  follow some one around for a few days find out all there dirty secrets by talking to there friends and family perhaps even a few people from brief intimate encounters (one night stands).

Then on stage in front of the loved ones spill the dirt in a roast style and make them look like an idiot. That’s an idea for a show, and then at the end some one kicks them in the balls. The show could be called, “So You Think it Couldn’t Get any Worse”

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com

I slept in until 4pm, damn daylight savings time has me all thrown off. It is very rare that I sleep in that late, I’m usually up by the crack of noon. There is always a reason to wake up in the morning but I can always think of a few not to.

Top 5 reasons not to get up in the morning:

5: Breakfast cereal is full of sugar; try to wake up when the food gets healthier.

4: Eye boogers have not yet hardened. Now you have to swipe off the sticky little things, instead of them just crumbling them as they fall to their death.

3:  Morning breath, it’s called lunch breath if you wait around long enough.

2: Your boss probably sucks. Most bosses do, and seeing that smarmy face is enough to make me throw up sugary cereal.

1: Because your unemployed, every days the weekend. And there is a strange person in the bed next you. Where are you, this place smells like cats and clown make up.

JU

Wow, this has been a strange week and by strange I mean unusual and smelly. Nothing makes it that way in particular but my apartment does have the scent of an old mans shoe. I could blame this on the hygiene of my roommates or it could be the bulk box of sneakers I bought from a senior citizen garage sale.

Top 5 things you should know about your belly button:

5: It is the portal that your mother used to feed you through.

4. It is the only living organism that eats lint.

3. It is not a proper place to store skittles.

2. It also comes in an outie version, which was popular during the 90s grunge era.

1. If you stretch it into a slant that does not make it Asian.

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com