I’m in a hotel lobby right now typing away frantically on my computer. This is a common occurrence for me as I spend half the year in random hotels of all brands. From my various travels I’ve come to the conclusion that society has had a complete degradation of morals. All I can say is finally; it’s been a long time coming. Most of are values in society are based on various organized religions, now it is time for the unorganized people to take over.

The party animal not give a shit life style also known as going Irish shall be adopted by all. That is a fascinating group of people, the Irish. The stereo type is that all they do is drink and party. Wow sounds a lot like college, buy me a plane ticket. That’s what the Irish must have been thinking “hey college was fun lets not stop doing that stuff”.

Of course that is just a stereo type and is not entirely true. It applies more to the Scottish actually, speaking of Scotland I’m there from July 31- August 25. Be there or be a party pooper and get punched in the haggis bag.

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

Tour dates:

Toronto June 14: This is a big show it is my return to the starting point show. The birthplace of my comedy career go to http://www.JamesTheComic.com/Toronto for more details expect anarchy and good times.

Windsor Ontario June 12 The Roxy Entertainment Complex
London Ontario June 19 FC Locker room
Billings July 3 Billings Convention Centre
Idaho Falls July 2 The Pinecrest
Pocatello July 1 Ramada
Missoula June 30 Inn on Broadway

I’m in Cranbrook British Columbia right now, at the Heritage Inn. I’ve talked about hotel procedures before but I think I’ll expand.

First 3 things I do when I get into a hotel.

1. Get Naked: nothing like some good nude time especially after a long drive.
2. Close blinds: it’s funny to get strange looks as you race to close the blinds realizing there is an old couple right outside your window.
3. Throw the stain collector off the top of the mattress: I’ve spoken about it in the past, if you shine a black light on that mattress cover the stains glow like a hepatitis version of twister.

I was in a bar last night and it was the classic set up style of bar, but on the other side of the bar was another bar. And where normally there would be a mirror was a window. I didn’t realize it at first and while I was taking a drink I looked through and coincidently on the other side was a middle aged man with a bad comb over taking a drink at the same exact time. At first I didn’t realize it was a window and I thought I had aged horribly, and the guy made eye contact with me and I think he thought wow I have hair. It was terrifying, like an episode of the twilight zone where at the end you have to play the hepatitis version of twister.

Upcoming shows:

Toronto June 14

Windsor June  12

London Ontario June 19

I’m in Saskatchewan right now; a province in western Canada. It’s characterized by dust storms and pregnant teenagers. A nice enough place but the air is so dry that it petrifies your boogers, they turn into tiny razor blades and when you touch your nose they stab at you like an angry greaser with a switchblade. If I was in prison I would collect them and use them as a shank.

I’ve been on the road now for the last 6 weeks. I like traveling so it is no big deal; you learn the tricks of the road and can turn your hotel rooms into a sanitary sanctuary. First thing you do is throw off the stain collector resting on top of your blankets. If you tested those things you could probably find enough DNA to clone a football team. Some more good advice is don’t touch the remote and then your face, I think it is probably the dirtiest device even ahead of the toilet.

What are your hotel procedures?

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

Tour Dates:

Toronto Ontario June 14
Windsor Ontario June 12
London Ontario June  19

I notice that when I’m hanging out in coffee shops there seem to be lots of outside job interviews going on. That would rock to go to an interview and try and scam a free bagel and tea out of the adventure. I should just schedule interviews through out the week and see what happens. I could dummy up a resume claiming I’m extremely qualified and then I might be able to even pressure a sandwich out of the deal.

I’m heading to Ontario in the beginning of June. This was the birth place of my stand up career. I have some dates pending around the province but it looks like I’ll be playing Toronto on June 14. It’s an interesting city where you can walk down the street and be ignored in several different languages, I like the multiculturalism though. At times the place can get a little snobbish but I like it. It’s as close to a big American city that you can get in Canada, but its still fun as I’ll get to see some of my old friends.

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

Toronto June 14

I went to the bank today; they always have some hot tellers working. It’s hard to flirt with them when they have your bank information right in front of their eyes. Nothing makes you feel like a looser more than when some one can look at your financial records.

5 other awkward places to meet people:

5: The STD centre: They can just be there for a check up, but is it worth the gamble.

4:  The Zoo: Because you never know if it’s just a shaved monkey trying to use your help to escape

3: A Hanna Montana concert: Unless you’re in Junior high, then it might work out.

2: A Tijuana donkey show: The kind of people who go to a donkey show, aren’t the type you can bring home to mom. Or back across the border, also you might end up at the number 5 place.

1: Myspace: The chances of them being crazy are multiplied exponentially by Tom. Unless they are on the cool new people function, then they might not be foaming at the mouth crazy. Try and meet people on facebook, the worst they could do is poke you.

JU

http://www.jamesthecomic.com

I found this picture online, captions included. Wow there is some weird people out there.

I was staying in a hotel that had mattresses for sale advertised on the billboard. They left one in the hallway for the 3 days I was there, I guess it was acting as some kind of preview. It looked like some one tried to pee off the blood stains. I don’t know how a Ramada could leave such an eye sore in the open for every one to see. Maybe some one had given birth on it, and the hotel offers a mid wife service you just have to call the front desk and ask for it.

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

Wow franchises have taken over the world. I was just in a Walmart Super Centre, and inside they had a handful of other chains interbred into the building. I don’t know when the chains wills stop, I can’t wait for franchised brothels. That is the last thing to get trademarked, sexual favors. They will have places called The Hand Job shack, and when you’re all done you can get a Chai Latte because Starbucks will have a booth set up inside. But in the end they will end up closing down because they will be loosing a fortune on napkins.

A lot of strip clubs offer lunch buffets, how weird because that is exactly what I want to do. Share food with a bunch of guys who are all juiced up ready to watch some girls get naked. Most of the buffets don’t last very long; they end up loosing a fortune on napkins.

If you’re in the Edmonton come to my show this Saturday (May 3), but for god sakes bring your own napkins.

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com