I was at a pumpkin carving party last night. Wow some people take that shit seriously, by that I mean they can carve more than triangle eyes into those orange colored gourd like members of the squash family. The last thing people need to be handling after consuming alcohol is a giant knife, because if you accidentally stab yourself the blood could get on the pumpkins and they will come to life late at night and eat your face.

Douche of the Day: Hangovers – people with them.

Hangovers are predictable I think every one has that point in the evening where they think, well if I turn the party up a little harder I’m going to wake up and feel like an ass. If you feel like shit then deal with it, but they always seem to walk around the next day and tell every one they have a hangover like a zombie mumbling “brains, brains”. One of the main treatments for a hangover is almost anything off the McDonalds menu, that’s the only time that food substitute is edible.

What is your cure for a hangover?

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com

See me in Vancouver Canada Nov 3-8

I got a parking ticket in the wee hours of the morning. Roughly 10 am. Who the hell is up at that hour writing tickets, a cartoon Rooster? I often wonder what the home life of these parking Gestapo is like; they must have exact sections on their counter where they keep the blender and toaster. If the bread some how comes to close to anything they get out a little tape measure to be sure and then put a sticky note under the little clip thing.

They are extorting me for $55, how precious is that spot that I have to pay $55 bucks to stay there. It’s in Sherman Oaks for “f” sakes, that’s Van Nuys adjacent. I should own that spot for at least a week at those prices. I’ve got no problem with the parking ticket system, but when it gets over $50 the glue on those little envelopes they give you should taste like peppermint. There is some middle man in this process that is making some fat cash. And I’m on a one man mission to give a shit about it for around half an hour then find some thing else that interests me, probably something that has boobs.

What would the sticky note on the bread say? Answer in the comment form below.

If you were in a dark alley with a parking enforcement officer what would you do, remember no witnesses? Answer in the comment form below.

JU
www.JamesTheComic.com

I had to go pick up some flyers today for this show I’m doing in Chandler Arizona this weekend. The place was way out in Rancho Dominguez which is about 30minutes out of LA. Instinctively I brought a friend so we can use the car pool lane, which worked out nicely until some douche bag decided to tail gate me in his F150.

If I’m going over 70mph there is no reason to be right on my ass unless I have some witty bumper sticker or personalized license plate you’re trying to figure out. And if that’s the case, follow me home and beat me up because personalized license plates are a sign of impotence.

When F150 had an opening he tried to pass me so I sped up to parallel him and he got stuck in some congestion. That’s just what the doctor ordered for that bearded douche, who’s surname is McFace. That’s right his full name was Sir Bearded Douche McFace.

Now its time for Douche of the day:

Hugh Hefner: At some point over the last 50 years you went from cutting edge magazine owner to a creepy old cadaverous man. Hey Hugh you don’t see Skeletor with floozy’s on his arms, nope because he’s to busy trying to take over Eternia and put He- Man in his place.

What I’m trying to say is get a hobby or at least go for ladies half your age that have a little meat on their bones. Your group photos look like an advertisement for UNICEF, but only if UNICEF would pay for implants and botox.

Maybe you’ll be starting a new trend on age gap dating, we could go on a double date together and I’ll bring a fetus. On a side note I don’t think the third world would be starving if you just donated all the food those girlfriends of yours were throwing up. (Did I go too far, you tell me?)

JU
www.JamesTheComic.com

***Come see me in Chandler Arizona Oct 17, 18 at The Waters Edge Night Club. 1949 W Ray Rd. ***

What do you think about Hugh “Skeletor” Heffner ? Answer in the comment function below.

Finally today we finished filming the sketch that required live chickens. It took us a while to find a place that would sell them to us still walking with the heads on. I truly think they believed us to be chicken f**kers. I’m glad it’s over with; it was such a headache tracking down a chicken dealership.

I’ve got a show in Arizona next week so I rented a hybrid to cruise through the desert.
Originally I was going to get a convertible but in the end they gave me a Prius. So it looks like I’m going to be picking up hippie chicks. At least it gives me an excuse to wear socks with sandals and quit showering.

This eco friendly automobile is pretty neat; it has this dash board screen that tells me my fuel efficiency, it’s like a video game. I find myself starring at it; hopefully I don’t end up driving over a paragon falcon or some drifter with a limp while I’m trying to figure out if it’s running off battery power.

They should put this car on grand theft auto then they could take the high speed pursuit onto the car pool lane. They could add Kum by ya to the sound track and when you ditch it the character would jump out wearing a tye-dyed shirt swinging an acoustic guitar.

JU
www.JamesTheCoimc.com

Chandler, Arizona (Oct 17.18): The Waters Edge Night Club

What’s your favorite automobile? What ways do you think it’s better than a hybrid? Answer using the comment function.

People who believe in and insist on telling you a horoscope are about as annoying as swass (sweaty buttocks area) and just as damaging to your underwear. Any human who believes that astrological signs can be used to predict the future should get a speaking role on that fake reality show “The Hills”, because they are idiots and would be in good company.

I’ve been filming a short for the internet where I need a live chicken. It has actually been quite difficult to find live fowl in Los Angeles. I went to a spot where over the phone they said we could buy them alive but when we got there they flaked on us and said they would have to be executed first. They must have thought we were going to f**k it or something. Ah its LA anything is possible.

Top 5 things that should have been or be predicted by Horoscopes:

5. The current mortgage crisis: Gypsies must have been to busy looking for love connections and whether or not a Scorpio could date an Aries than spending a little time on the economy. Now 35 year old John q Public is back living in his parent’s basement with his family of 3 searching for an apartment that allows pets.

4. Monkeys they put in space: It would suck to be one of those space monkeys, especially because they had no idea they weren’t coming back. If it was possible to get a human’s horoscope it should not be so ridiculous to get those of any living animal especially some thing as close to humans like a primate. Monkey horoscopes would be better. (Write one).

3. Gas prices: It would be great to look in the paper and have the year’s gas prices laid out, id even settle for the week. Now there’s a prediction, I don’t care if my planets are aligned save me 20 bucks a week on fuel and I’ll worship your star voodoo.

2. The Up coming US election: Imagine if you got to learn who wins this year’s election and then you could decide if maybe you’ll buy a case lot of condensed soup and hide out in the mountains.

1. People who sell chickens can be lying bastards: I drove 20 minutes to get a chicken with a pulse and came back empty handed. I wonder where Colonel Sanders gets his gobblers from before they’re sprinkled with 7 herbs and spices. It would have been convenience squared to read my horoscope and know not to trust those people, as no chicken ever leaves alive!

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com

Write your monkey horoscope below in the comment function !!!