James Uloth

Videos, Blogs, and Tour Dates for Comedian James Uloth

Archive for November, 2008

30
Nov

Jingle bells batman smells….

It’s the corporate season for comedy. That’s when all the comedians butcher there act to make it acceptable for an office Christmas party. Its soul crushing at times as it takes most of your edge off, I can’t wait for the season to be over so I can play clubs again. It’s always a good feeling when you get back into the comedy clubs; you get to remember that you’re actually funny.

I make it sound worse than it really is; usually there is a really nice dinner at these parties but after a few weeks of it I’m like prime rib and turkey again, please just give me a hot dog and some Kraft dinner. I guess if I had a real job I would have lots more to complain about.

Douche of the day: Fat people in bikinis!

I love fat people, lets get that out of the way. I also love bikini’s but when the 2 get together it’s like drinking and driving, somebody is going to get hurt. Lets face it if you’re fat you’re hungry , your whole body is hungry, even your ass is hungry and its going to eat up that little piece of fabric you call the bottom.

Fat people (god bless them) should = 1930 full body bathing suit. Bikini’s are a skinny persons game.

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com
Who would you like to see as douche of the day?

You can stay in the barn but you have to promise not to have sex with my beautiful daughter.
hey ladies, whats up?
The days of shame, when people were afraid to show what they were born with.
posted by James Uloth in The Blog and have No Comments
14
Nov

Did you really just say that….

Every time I work out legs at the gym, the next day I can barely walk. They should give me one of those handicap placards for my rear view mirror. I walk around stumbling like a drunkard; I must look like Lindsey Lohan trying to get attention after a night at the club.Time for Douche of the Day: Lindsay Lohan

Lohan was quoted as referring to Barrack Obama as Americas “First Colored president”. This young douche has been on the planet for 22 years, far after using the word colored was socially acceptable. If your grandma stumbles and says colored you let it go, because that was her generation’s term. It all evens out though, because Barrack Obama was quoted as saying that Lohan was Americas “First retarded celebrity”. We can forgive him because thats what his generation called people with red hair.

JU

www.JamesTheComic.com

It looks like she’s about to get a nipple pinch. Or a purple nurple if you will.
She’s actually a ginger. I never trust a redhead that dyes their hair.
Whats the funniest politically incorrect thing that your grandparents have said?
posted by James Uloth in The Blog and have No Comments
13
Nov

Singing in the rain…..

I got to practice my lunges on the streets of Vancouver, while trying to avoid getting my eyeballs impaled by every jerk with an umbrella. You should have to take some kind of test to be able to operate an umbrella in public. A test that Mary Poppins herself would have troubles passing because nobody needs some broad flying around in a dress anyways. I’m not saying she doesn’t wear underwear but lets just say I looked up and seen where babies came from.

JU

www.JamesThecomic.com

penguins save a fortune on tuxedo rentals.

What would you say to a penguin if you were face to face?

posted by James Uloth in The Blog and have No Comments
06
Nov

No I don’t have… what ever you’re about to ask for…

I’ve been in Vancouver for the last three days and this place is thick with homeless people. If your pockets are jingling they flock towards you like gay people to Kathy Griffin. It’s quite ridiculous I went for some late night eats with a few people after my show and when I was leaving I had to run the hobo gauntlet.If you have to beg for money I feel bad for you, but when I have to tell 20 people on the way back to my hotel room that I don’t have any spare change, its time to build those pit fall things. Its Vancouver so it’s not cold enough for anyone to die anyways, I want to just walk around with a bag of carrot sticks and share them. If you want to live an alternative life style then I want to give you alternative money, the same currency that bunny rabbit’s use.

I cut my toe nails today, it was about time when I walked on hard surfaces my feet made type writer sounds. I have the longest toes in the history of the planet, there like a basket ball players fingers except I can’t palm a ball with them.

JU
www.JamesTheComic.com

Tour Dates:
Vancouver- Nov 3-8
Banff Nov 19
Grande Prairie Nov 23

I wish I had crab feet like this guy. It would be so neat you could pinch people and eat plankton.
She’s not homeless but I still gave her a carrot.
What would you do to solve the homeless issue?
posted by James Uloth in The Blog and have Comment (1)
© James Uloth 2009 | Created by Jay Hafling.
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