I went to Wal-Mart today, that’s usually where I go to feel good about myself but on this occasion I was seeking out a wicked deal on some eggs. They never had any; apparently they can’t find any children in the 3rd world who can produce them.

I have no beef with Wal-Mart, some people act like they walked in on Wal-Mart heavy petting with their spouse. I think it’s capitalism at its best. We import everything from China, so now if one day they get pissed of at us we’ll all have to find some where else to buy Christmas lights and 48 rolls of toilet paper for 12 bucks.

Have you ever tried to talk to some one holding 48 rolls of toilet paper?

Douche of the Day: The Dow Jones

The Dow Jones is a like some one you know going through menopause, you never know what its going to do and you’re sick of hearing about it. Apparently today it “surged 360 points”, frankly it bothers me they use the word surged.

They must have a room some where filled with monkeys, and when they’re not busy writing Shakespeare they throw a dart at a board and that’s the number they go with that day. I would rather bet on professional boxing then the stock market. They are both fixed, but at least with boxing they have sexy ring girls. I think that’s what we discovered with this economic depression, it’s all bull shit and these people are like vacuum salesmen in nice suits, just look at the Madoff scandal.

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

1. What do you think about large department stores ex. Walmart, Target etc ?
2. Who do you think would make a great douche of the day?
3. What would you say to Bernard L Madoff? p.s. the L is for Looser.

I accidentally walked into the ladies change room at the gym. They had switched the genders from what they normally were; it was like a little game they were playing. So I didn’t feel that awkward but still kind of embarrassing. You think they would have made a bigger deal about the signage, I wonder if any ladies tried to use the urinals.

The Christmas season drives me bananas; I went into best buy to get a gift certificate and had to wait in line for 20 minutes to pay for it. Gift certificates are the best present, it shows that you were kind enough to get them something but you still want to decide where they have to spend it.

Douche of the Day: The Hippopotamus.

More specifically Pablo Escobar’s Hippopotamus, they run wild now in a specific area of Columbia. Locals are concerned that they could affect the transportation of plantains on the rivers. Plantains are a cousin of the Banana, so I assume they are delicious. Is there any stopping these giant mammals? I bet you Bat Man could stop them…

True or False? You decide.
1. Hippopotamus kill more people every year than AIDS.
2. Hippos have developed a keen sense of locks and are able to sneak into your house late at night with out you knowing. They could be watching you right now; I hope you are wearing pants.
3. Although they appear to be pig like, their closest living relatives are cetacean’s ex. whales, porpoise, etc.
4. Hippos are the leading culprits in most forms of identity theft.

Do you think Escobar (the world’s most famous cocaine trafficker) saw the size of the Hippos nose and thought “wow that could be a whole new customer market” and then immediately had them shipped over from Africa? If this was true, would he have also shipped over Owen Wilson and most of the English Royal Family?

Learn more about Columbia’s hippos here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UHFHT1WhPc

Some one had used the cutting board for chopping onions right before I sliced up some watermelon. It looked clean, but I guess those are famous last words. Just ask King Henry the V11 or Al Capone.

I like watching the fight network, especially this show called “So You Wanna Fight”. They get people off the street with no experience put them in a boxing ring and then they proceed to smash each other in the face. It’s filmed on video with wobbly cameras and commentators that sound like they have substance abuse problems. I’m assuming they don’t provide attire as some of the fighters just wear stuff they would bring to the beach or wear to bed .

The ring girls are my favorite; they have huge smiles and come straight from the stripper pole or straight from the trailer. You can make side bets in a little game I call “guess where the scar came from”, most of the time it’s just a C-section. I think this show has some serious potential, it has every thing I want in a reality show. Check out their website http://www.soyouwannafight.com

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

Douche of the Day: King Henry the V11

He had syphilis but so did Ivan the Terrible and Al Capone. I highly doubt they gave it to each other unless syphilis is just a side effect of time travel. King Henry also had an illegitimate child, which technically would have qualified him for the NBA draft.

I’ve got the sniffles. About once a year I get a cold and I guess now is that time. I like having a cold because if I get over it than it means I don’t have AIDS. I don’t want to offend anybody by saying that but if you really think about it, I have a point.

During this season I mostly play Christmas parties. That means I have a lot of days off during the week. Some times I think getting a hobby just means adding another program to what I regularly watch on T.V. If this level of general malaise keeps up I may move to an island in the Caribbean where laziness is appreciated.

Douche of the Day: Heads of the big 3 Detroit Automakers

Why don’t you dip into your own bank account for a bail out? I’m sick of hearing all these tea sipping douches asking for money then you find out how big their yearly bonus are. Why don’t you not lay people off for a little while, or better yet produce a product that is competitive in the market place. The reason you can’t compete is because you have made nothing but unreliable gas guzzling pieces of crap. Now French kiss your sisters and get to work.

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com