I just got back from Toronto; it was a good time for my short visit. I was there doing a benefit show for the Down syndrome association and got to perform with some old friends. The association runs some great programs for those people with that extra 21 chromosome. One of the programs they teach is Karate, how awesome is that. I’ve got something in my pocket, bam it’s a karate chop.

I’m spending a good chunk of this week in Las Vegas setting up a show. This town has everything that a hormone fueled mind could ask for. For instance a gun range provided my entertainment for the afternoon. The supervisor said I was weird because I wanted to shoot the terrorists effigy in the penal region. For the evening I sat in a hookah lounge and ate hummus pondering such things as the economic crisis and weather or not to bring the funk or just get funky.

Top 5 things I hate about Monarch Butterflies.

5. They migrate from various parts of Canada all the way to Mexico. What are they trying to prove? I’ve heard that the flap of a butterfly’s wing can change events around the world, so maybe they could lay off on the travel a little bit.

4. Monarchs have few predators because they are foul-tasting and poisonous due to the presence of cardenolide aglycones in their bodies. This makes them very unpleasant to consume, which means I won’t be serving any butterfly sandwiches.

3. Some strange reclusive people will grow milkweed to attract these winged beasts to their gardens. Why don’t they spend more time growing different kinds of weed that could attract friends and perhaps good times?

2. The eggs laid by females hatch after only 4 days. They can’t take their time doing anything. They’re always on the go, like an annoying babysitter or Richard Simmons. Eww imagine if Richard Simmons was your baby sitter.

1. If a butterfly had a chance it would kill you and everyone you care about. Unless you knew karate, which means that people with Down syndrome will have an edge when its time for Man vs. Monarch. And in those days the super peeps with Down syndrome will remember who helped them.

JU

What do you have in your pocket?
How do you think Richard Simmons would be as a babysitter?

* Any show Ideas for April 4 or 5 in Vancouver Canada? I’m in town and up for shenanigans.

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

I’m waiting in the Las Vegas airport ready to catch a ride to Toronto. There are slot machines every where with old ladies that may or may not be wearing underwear parked skirt clad in front of them. This is the city that regret built, a look of depression sweeps the people ready to depart, and they’re cleverly contrasted by the happy arrivals sprinting from the gate ready to experience mayhem and propaganda fueled dreams.
I manage to get myself in the back ground of many tourists’ pictures. I like to be the question in debate, as the try to determine why I have my tongue out and my hand on my nipple. Perhaps they think it’s a strange custom and in some way I’ve begun a propaganda campaign of my own.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m doing a fundraiser show in Cobourg Ontario on Saturday and if you’re in the area please come out and support. It’s for the Down Syndrome Association of Peterborough; they are a great cause and help out a lot of people. For more info contact Phillip at 1-866-656-9677.

Top reasons I like old people:

5: They have a unique smell a smell that will keep moths away.

4: The stories they tell are long winded, so if you have an afternoon to blow. Don’t worry they’ll give you a pee break as soon as wheel of fortune is on.

3: Most old people can read minds, and they can tell when you’ve been masturbating.

2. They usually have candy. Old candy, that’s sticks to the wrapper.

1. Although very wise they are unable to count 12 items in the express check out lane. This allows me more time to see the latest additions to the Gum Rack.

What are some reasons you love old people? Answer in the comment function below.

JU

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

It’s been a strange month, for the last couple of days I’ve been pretending to not have hands. Not in person, I’ll just phone up random people and claim I dialed their number with my nose and if they would be kind enough to come by and feed me.

Boredom is a constant companion of a comedian, especially those with few hobbies. I try and stay pretty busy being up to shenanigans going to the gym and whistling at pretty dames. But there is only so much whistling you can do before your lips get all chapped and you look like you’ve been eating sun flower seeds all day.

I think that’s why so many comedians are pot heads and drink too much. Yep that’s right, most comedians don’t know how to whistle.

I’m in Vegas this week and then go off to Toronto for the weekend. I’ve been back in California for the month and have become accustomed to the nice weather. The shock of a Canadian winter will probably send my nads running deep into my abdominal cavity and turn my voice high pitched.

Top 5 things I hate about the cold:

5. You have to quit licking metal objects for an entire season.

4. Snowmen are the only species that have no females. I think if there were snow women people would try to F**K them. It’s confusing.

3. Getting your car stuck in the driveway. Nothing is more humiliating than forgetting to purchase winter tires and having the whole neighborhood witness your futile attempts to get enough momentum to clear that little ridge the snow plow made.

2. Shrinkage. Every winter your genitals are sent back to a prepubescent state. Women don’t experience this; I imagine they would be just as mad if cold weather shrunk their boobs.

1. Wet Socks. Trekking through the snow means that once you return to a heated area the frozen water particles will melt giving you wet socks. And nothing is worse than wet socks.

What do you think are the worst parts of winter? Answer in the comment function below.

http://www.JamesTheComic.com

Upcoming tour dates:

Kelowna , BC April 9 -11 Coast Capri Hotel
Williams Lake BC April 8 The Overlander Hotel
San Diego, CA March 3 Lestats: 3343 Adams Ave. CA 92116

Cobourg Ontario Jan 24/2009 The Down Syndrome Associaton of Peteroborough Fundraiser:
Please come support this great cause For more info contact Phillip at 1-866-656-9677.