This is what I've been trying to tell you.

When honking your horn, what are you trying to accomplish? I think most people use their horn as if to say “hey I’m mad at you (insert expletive)”.  The best functionality of a horn is as a signaling device; I don’t think anybody has an issue with a fast toot on the horn to alert us of something like a car backing out of a driveway or a hot chick jogging. But what percentage of the time does that happen?

Most dentists agree, just give the middle finger instead.

I always see people road ragging, with the pressures of driving jerks do the long hong to make themselves feel better. It comes with a sense of entitlement, “I’m so important get out of my way I have to get somewhere, grrrr” It could save everyone a little stress by just chilling out.

We should be allowed only 1 long horn honk a month, after that you get downgraded to one of those bicycle horns and you’ll have to roll down your window to use it. And if you go a whole year no long horn honking you can trade it in for a rocket launcher, because if you long honk your horn that infrequently you’ve earned the right to take a little anger out.

Comedian James Uloth

www.JamesTheComic.com

What you wanted to get my lane, no way man! I'm super important

Facebook had their IPO today, and the numbers fizzled.  I think of the company mostly as a middleman as its sits between you and your friends. It middles between products and consumers with its advertising and plants itself loosely between productivity of employees and their employers.

I think in this new century we are seeing the demise of many middlemen. We are getting products more directly from companies with the internet based business, and I’m just wondering for how long the relationships between are acquaintances, friends, coworkers and family will be handled by the social media middleman.

I remember the old days when people listened to each other instead of creeping at the timeline of your profile page. I’m a big fan of social media I must admit, communication has increased and it has made us more aware of the world. But I guess the most important strategy of being a successful middleman is for them to make you think how important they really are.

Comedian James Uloth

-Bikini profile pictures ensure your male friends will look at all your photos!

Manny Pacqiauo was once my hero and then it came out that he was a huge homophobe. I can’t believe a guy who enjoys fighting half naked men over a belt would be so against other people having happiness. He was quoting scripture endorsing the death of homosexuals for their lifestyles.

One kiss and this is a different kind of show.

But getting political commentary from a boxer is like getting sex advice from a priest. It’s something they aren’t exposed to very often, and when they are it often results in lawsuits, jail time and a bunch of misinformation.

In contrast the often vilified Floyd Mayweather JR said via twitter “I stand behind President Obama & support gay marriage. I’m an American citizen & I believe people should live their life the way they want.”

A country who was founded on separation of church and state sure has a lot of bible quoting in the arena of politics.

By Comedian James Uloth

-can we let gay people get married so I can go back to not giving a shit.

If there is one thing the USA is afraid of is nudity or even near nudity, the sight of bare breasts or worse exposed buttocks can send this nation into a tailspin. And I have noticed an increase in exposure from these domestic buff terrorists. I contacted the TSA , members of congress and of course the President . None of which have returned my calls.

We all remember the sight of Janet Jackson’s nipple stickered breast at the Super Bowl in 2004 as it had brought this nations television to its knees. Can you imagine an orchestrated simultaneous near nudity event across the entire nation? It could even spread to the world, they have been operating training camps under the guise of “Girls Gone Wild” for many years now. Keep a diligent watch at this years awards shows, you’ll spot the conspirators.

These networks need to go back to showing extreme violence and biased news coverage. There in no room for nudity, swearing or anything fun in entertainment.

Comedian James Uloth

- While you are looking at their chest, their eyes are signaling the start of a mission.

We have seen so much technology disappear but “smartwatch” by pebble is truly an amazing innovator and looks to be brining back the wristwatch.  Being able to sync up via Bluetooth to your android or I-phone then it alerts you with a variety of functions like incoming phone calls or SMS, and golfers can even have GPS app to navigate the courses. How cool is that, the best part is how they got the funding for development.  By selling pre-ordered watches as a fundraising drive, they basically said this is what our product does now help us build it.

The all new smartwatch

Some lost technology:

 VCR: How awesome was a VCR you could finally watch movies at home with this wildly popular format. Borrow, rent, or even record onto blank tapes.

Wrist Watch: Until smartwatch came out the old wristwatch had become almost obsolete, how many people have you seen with watches? I’ve seen a lot more people with a familiar cell phone bulge in their pocket than a time device strapped to their wrist.

I don't carry a watch, my cell phone has a clock.

Rolodex: Remember these devices, they sat on the desk and you would spin them to find a contact. In spy movies they would always rip them out because the villain was stupid enough to put the address of his hideaway on there. Now like almost every piece of technology its been integrated into our phone.

Video Camera: I remember carrying around a video camera everywhere I went, I would catch people doing something stupid and then put it online. Now once again the phone has stepped in to take that market. Everyone has a video camera on their phone, even my mother who is almost 60.

I'm going to need 2 extra chairs to hold these please.

Natural Boobs: Natures own invention, these lovely and reclusive creatures are rarely seen. Now they are often enhanced and altered with silicone or saline implants. They loose a certain bounce, but gain a certain enhancement. What ever your opinion the natural breast is slowly disappearing.

An almost 4 year old breast feeding, why don’t I give my opinion? Whatever long term emotional scars a woman wants to place onto her son is her own business. Nothing like the emotional health for the chile when lets say in lets say about 8 years from now this Time article surfacing. I’m sure a 12 year old boy would love to have his friends circling around this article.

And leave it to some parent in LA to think this is normal. Do I think that we should do something to prevent this? No I don’t, but to pass it off as normal would be stupid. I’m more worried about the kid in the real world as being breast fed until 4 he’s probably going to have a lot more real problems. And I’m sure his mom will be there to help solve most of them for him.

James Uloth

-Hang in there buddy, one day your friends will want to borrow this picture. They might even trade you the bra section out of a sears catalogue for it.

Read the full article.

I hope nobody kicks that stool out. That would be the only case when you can cry over spilled milk.

The prostitute from the Secret Service Scandal is getting lots of attention. She has been talking some smack about the agents, did anybody think a prostitute was going to be like “Wow they were great customers, I’m going give them a group discount”.

In the land of giant yellow microphones.

There is a reason you cant go to hookers when your job is protecting the president, its because you need to save your strength. There are bad guys out there trying to do bad things, you also cant go to a prostitute 30 minutes before swimming. The real reason is because they could apparently black mail the agents, yadda yadda. Which seems a pretty likely scenario the way this case has panned out.

Apparently her asking price was $800 and the agent offered her $50 the next morning. Thats the part of the story I don’t get, she stayed the night? There is an old joke you don’t pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave after.

I’m all for legalizing prostitution and making it a safe industry, as it seems prohibition has done nothing but endanger the lives of the ladies whom for whatever reason have chosen that path. What ever your morale compass tells you facts are facts, its a job that doesn’t seem to be disappearing.

By Comedian James Uloth

- Hookers are not known for there secrecy, but will usually give you a free quote.

According to a report published in the National Post, dinosaurs produced enough methane to warm the atmosphere with their flatulence. They had officially turned Earth into one big Dutch oven.

Although its not confirmed by any studies, Dino’s did not have opposable thumbs so it was impossible to perform the old “pull my finger gag”. It’s not even known if dinosaurs had a sense of humor.

Here is a link to the National Post article.

http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/05/07/dinosaurs-flatulence-influenced-global-warming-study-suggests/

James Uloth

-Never get on an elevator with a dinosaur.

Lets get our social network on, if your on Facebook, or Twitter click the links below. But if your on Myspace you might be 5 years to late, put down your pager and welcome to the new world.

Nothing is a stronger unifier than laughter, funny has been bringing people together longer than rubber chickens and fake mustaches have been commercially available. James has performed at educational institutions in Canada, USA and England and returned with rave reviews. If you are interested in bringing laughter to your school you have found the right comedian.

Schools

James is a favorite at Colleges worldwide,  molding the minds of tomorrows leaders with the power of laughter today. Performing regularly at educational institutions in England, USA, and Canada James is one of the youngest headliners in the world.  He adapts his act to the surrounding and brings a show geared directly to college. He also plays at high schools and can tailor material suitable for people of that age. Get your student union or activities councilor to book James today!

“The show was awesome! I really enjoyed how he connected with all of us”